True
False
1. I don’t hesitate to express my feelings. I just don’t
always communicate
them to the other person. For example, if I’m angry, I might pound
my bed
or a pillow. Or I might journal or paint furious red canvases. By myself.
2. If I’m feeling hopeless or discouraged about this new phase,
I seek
support from a counselor, clergy member or friends.
3. I don’t encourage others to take sides against the person with
whom
I’m ending a relationship.
4. I minimize change, keeping as much of the routine and rhythm of life
as
possible, for myself and for my children. If I don’t have custody,
I try to
maintain as many old habits and rituals with them as I can. I don’t
stop
disciplining them or maintaining rules that have always been in force.
5. I build a team of people to help me make good choices and, hopefully,
less adversarial choices.
6. I remember that a good outcome in a divorce is something both parties
can live with, that it’s not about winning but being able to move
on
independently.
7. I use email, fax or mail to communicate when talking isn’t working.
However, I respect that these communications don’t belong at work,
and I
remember that the goal is not to zing the other but to gain clarity. When
kids are involved, the goal is always to foster their healthy development.
8. I avoid talking negatively about my former spouse in front of friends
or my children. I know it has a negative impact on my children and their
self-esteem and will polarize and alienate friends who want to remain in
relationship with both my former spouse and me.
9. I make sure to attend to my physical and emotional needs, taking time
for myself to rest and heal during this stressful period.
10. I don’t seek to physically, financially or emotionally hurt
my spouse.
11. I don’t hesitate to involve a mediator in negotiating post-relationship
arrangements, such as co-parenting or splitting belongings.
12. In front of children or mutual friends, I concentrate on my ex’s
better
qualities rather than on those that precipitated the divorce.
13. I spend time—maybe months—taking stock of the lessons
I’ve
learned from this relationship. I do this either on my own, in my journal,
or with the help of a professional.
14. I remember the golden rule as I go about parting ways, treating my
ex in the way I want to be treated.
15. I formally recognize the closing of this chapter of my life with
a ritual
or ceremony, if possible with my former partner; if not, then by myself.
Whether there are children involved or not, ending a
marriage or partnership challenges us in ways that not much
else does. The term “good divorce” seems contradictory. And yet, there are things we can do, practices we can bring
into our lives that will help us navigate the big waves and
the roiling waters. Take the Thriving quiz below to see how
many of them you have employed and to gain ideas for how
break-ups might go better.
